[WARNING: it is a long post, I didn’t expect to write this much, it just happened. :)]
I haven’t posted in such a long time and I had actually given up on this blog, but today I wanted to share with you something that happened.
First of all I’ll give you a little bit of background. If you’ve read my previous post on My INFP-T personality, then you already know something about me and you may even be sharing that trait with me.
There’s much more that has happend though. Since last year I started having panic attacks. At the beginning I didn’t know what they were and I thought it was simply me being overly anxious so I didn’t give it much thought, but then they started coming more frequently (last year I was in my last year of highschool). Anxiety and panic attacks were ruining my life, I struggled all year in class trying not to show it, but it was becoming harder and harder as the symptoms got worse. I couldn’t breath, my heart rate would go up like crazy, I would get dizzy, sweat a lot, I would get the chills and I couldn’t talk properly. I would also get chest pain and I would wake up during the night with tachycardia. At the time I didn’t know and I would get scared of what was happening to my body so that would encrease my already present tachycardia.
All of this was due to a trauma that I recieved during my third year of highschool (here in Italy we have 5 years of highschool). I never told anyone about it, I still don’t know why, maybe because I don’t want to make others worry, I don’t like to make others feel troubled. Anyways, I’ve held everyting in on my own for three years, until the day in which I broke down after an argument with my mom. I told her everything, litteraly everything.
We cried, we made up, and we called it a day.
But my mom did not understand me. It really hurt when I found it out. She still today thinks that it’s all only part of my personality, because I’ve always been shy. Being shy and being scared to death when in public is NOT the same thing.
Anyways, she let me go to the school’s psychologist. Should have never done that. Not only she said that she couldn’t understand why I would feel like that, but her solution was “you have to fight it, you should go out more and be around people”, yeah sure, if you want me to die maybe..
That’s why I gave up. I thought I was just gonna live with that fear, it was going to become part of my life. I would have to put on the same mask of “I’m good, if I space out suddenly or can’t concentrate, it’s because I’m just a little bit weird, not because I suffer from social phobia”. The same thing that I’ve been doing for three years now, at school but even at home, to the point that I would often ask myself “who am I really?”.
This summer it got a lot worse.
One day I was walking with my mom and sister, I was talking to them when a group of girls and boys passed by. I stopped talking and I couldn’t remember what I was saying because my attention was gone and it felt like the time had slowed down and I started panicking when my mom tried to make me continue what I was saying. I’m not sure if I was able to describe it properly, but it’s a really hard to explain.
Another day, I went with my lil sis, my mom and some of her friends to get some icecream. We were at the ice cream parlor, when guess what? I got a panic attack. Simply because I had to interact with the guy who was supposed to make my icecream. I tried to hold it in but I couldn’t and I felt that I was going to cry. Everyone noticed and couldn’t understand what was wrong. Mom excused it by saying “sorry, you girls know my daughter doesn’t like to be in a crowd..”.
I felt so humiliated.
At 19 years old, crying for an ice cream, what am I doing with my life?
Back home she told me that I really should do something for that attitude of mine and that I should have just walked out of the shop alone or something so to not embarass us.
You can’t imagine how hurt I felt.
It is something I’ve been struggling with for so long, I’ve been fighting all along on my own, I’ve been trying not to inconvenience anyone, and I’m treated like an embarassment?
After that I made up my mind and I decided to go to the psychiatrist, hopeful that at least drugs would help.
Mom was against me going, she still believed that I should do something on my own and that drugs were only going to ruin my health.
I went anyways and he gave me some pills I’m supposed to take that help me to stay calm and so far, I’ve been doing good. Not great, because I still feel a little bit pressured, but a hundred times better than before. Also, I can go out alone and do normal stuff, so I’m quite satisfied.
What I actually wanted to write about today was that if you know of someone’s weakness, don’t rub it in his/her face. It is the worst thing you can do.
Mom did it today, that’s why I though of writing this down.
It makes that person feel humiliated and it makes him/her regret tha day she mastered the courage to tell you about it.
So please, don’t be that kind of person.
That being said, I love my mom, she’s a great woman. In this post she gives off a negative character but she’s not like that. Although she sometimes behaves harshly, she’s been taking care of me since the day I was born. 🙂
Thanks for reading up to the very end, it was a long post, wasn’t it?