Don’t rub it in my face

[WARNING: it is a long post, I didn’t expect to write this much, it just happened. :)]

I haven’t posted in such a long time and I had actually given up on this blog, but today I wanted to share with you something that happened.

First of all I’ll give you a little bit of background. If you’ve read my previous post on My INFP-T personality, then you already know something about me and you may even be sharing that trait with me.

There’s much more that has happend though. Since last year I started having panic attacks. At the beginning I didn’t know what they were and I thought it was simply me being overly anxious so I didn’t give it much thought, but then they started coming more frequently (last year I was in my last year of highschool). Anxiety and panic attacks were ruining my life, I struggled all year in class trying not to show it, but it was becoming harder and harder as the symptoms got worse. I couldn’t breath, my heart rate would go up like crazy, I would get dizzy, sweat a lot, I would get the chills and I couldn’t talk properly. I would also get chest pain and I would wake up during the night with tachycardia. At the time I didn’t know and I would get scared of what was happening to my body so that would encrease my already present tachycardia.

All of this was due to a trauma that I recieved during my third year of highschool (here in Italy we have 5 years of highschool). I never told anyone about it, I still don’t know why, maybe because I don’t want to make others worry, I don’t like to make others feel troubled. Anyways, I’ve held everyting in on my own for three years, until the day in which I broke down after an argument with my mom. I told her everything, litteraly everything.

We cried, we made up, and we called it a day.

But my mom did not understand me. It really hurt when I found it out. She still today thinks that it’s all only part of my personality, because I’ve always been shy. Being shy and being scared to death when in public is NOT the same thing.

Anyways, she let me go to the school’s psychologist. Should have never done that. Not only she said that she couldn’t understand why I would feel like that, but her solution was “you have to fight it, you should go out more and be around people”, yeah sure, if you want me to die maybe..

That’s why I gave up. I thought I was just gonna live with that fear, it was going to become part of my life. I would have to put on the same mask of “I’m good, if I space out suddenly or can’t concentrate, it’s because I’m just a little bit weird, not because I suffer from social phobia”. The same thing that I’ve been doing for three years now, at school but even at home, to the point that I would often ask myself “who am I really?”.

This summer it got a lot worse.

One day I was walking with my mom and sister, I was talking to them when a group of girls and boys passed by. I stopped talking and I couldn’t remember what I was saying because my attention was gone and it felt like the time had slowed down and I started panicking when my mom tried to make me continue what I was saying. I’m not sure if I was able to describe it properly, but it’s a really hard to explain.

Another day, I went with my lil sis, my mom and some of her friends to get some icecream. We were at the ice cream parlor, when guess what? I got a panic attack. Simply because I had to interact with the guy who was supposed to make my icecream. I tried to hold it in but I couldn’t and I felt that I was going to cry. Everyone noticed and couldn’t understand what was wrong. Mom excused it by saying “sorry, you girls know my daughter doesn’t like to be in a crowd..”.

I felt so humiliated.

At 19 years old, crying for an ice cream, what am I doing with my life?

Back home she told me that I really should do something for that attitude of mine and that I should have just walked out of the shop alone or something so to not embarass us.

You can’t imagine how hurt I felt.

It is something I’ve been struggling with for so long, I’ve been fighting all along on my own, I’ve been trying not to inconvenience anyone, and I’m treated like an embarassment?

After that I made up my mind and I decided to go to the psychiatrist, hopeful that at least drugs would help.

Mom was against me going, she still believed that I should do something on my own and that drugs were only going to ruin my health.

I went anyways and he gave me some pills I’m supposed to take that help me to stay calm and so far, I’ve been doing good. Not great, because I still feel a little bit pressured, but a hundred times better than before. Also, I can go out alone and do normal stuff, so I’m quite satisfied.

What I actually wanted to write about today was that if you know of someone’s weakness, don’t rub it in his/her face. It is the worst thing you can do.

Mom did it today, that’s why I though of writing this down.

It makes that person feel humiliated and it makes him/her regret tha day she mastered the courage to tell you about it.

So please, don’t be that kind of person.

That being said, I love my mom, she’s a great woman. In this post she gives off a negative character but she’s not like that. Although she sometimes behaves harshly, she’s been taking care of me since the day I was born. 🙂

Thanks for reading up to the very end, it was a long post, wasn’t it?

SHOPPING WITH YESSTYLE.COM

As an indoor person, I don’t really enjoy going out shopping.

I think sitting comfortably at home and being able to buy what you like is way better. I’ve been looking around various clothing websites and found a store made exactly for me!

YESSTYLE.com is an asian stlye clothing online shop.

Today, I’m going to review my two orders on YESSTYLE.

This is the first:

yesstyle 1 order

My first package was lost by the post, so I asked throughout Paypal for either a refund or a reshipment.

I had a reshipment but one of the items was out of stock so they refunded me its cost on the website. (I then used it for the second order)

Cat Print Sweater

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The quality is really good, as for all the items I bought from them.

It’s really good for winter, because it keeps you warm and it’s really comfortable. I would have worn it every day if I could!

Here are some more pics for details. (I took this after several months of use)

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And it came in this package:

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Long Sleeve Lace Trim A-Line Top

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This top shocked me a little bit when I frist saw it because it was pretty thin for winter. But then I tried it on a tank top and I stayed super warm the whole day.

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Fleece Lined Lace Trim Hooded Coat

I’d like to put some pictures of the jacket as well but it’s summer now so I’ll have to wait until winter.

It was a little bit of a disappointment because it didn’t really look like they showed it on the website.

It was way puffy and huge because of the internal gilet they put to keep you warm. In fact once the weather started getting less cold I took it away and it looked way better.

Anyways I easily got used to it and loved it because of the lace and the pockets!

The second order:

Cattura

I won’t say much about the correction tape I bought for my sister, if not that it was exactly as in the picture. The animal is sent randomly. She got the panda one.

Rose Retro Silver Ring

This was GORGEOUS! I gave it as a present for my mum’s birthday and she loved it! She wears it every day and got so many compliments for it.

Here are the pics:

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So, this is all what I bought from Yesstyle.

I absolutely loved the experience (if not for the first lost package..next time I’ll use the express shipping) and will buy again from it.

One thing I was worried about the first time was the mesures but usually there’s a chart or mesurement info in the description so I was able to decide on what size I should have bought.

I hope this helped you in making your decision and thanks for reading!

My INFP-T personality

So, recently I took a personality test to finally find somewhere to fit in.

The website I used is called 16personalities. It’s really good, the questions aim to get a grasp of each peculiarity of your character and at to give you, at the end of the test, the exact description of who you are.

This was my result: “The Mediator” (INFP-T)

I’m a INFP-T person. More specifically with this characteristics: Introverted: 100%, Intuitive: 23%, Feeling: 40%, Prospecting: 49%, Turbulent: 43%.

When I completed the test and read the results I felt so great! It was like I finally found the place I belong to and someone who understood me perfectly for the first time in my life (excluding my mom obviously..moms have superpowers, they can read your soul).

I went then on youtube to see if there was anyone sharing his INFP experience and found a really good video by Michael & Brianne. (click here to watch the video)

I’ve been nodding for the lenght of the whole video, because I felt totally the same.

Now, I’d like to share with you point by point my INFP experience. To do this, I’m going to relate to the results so that it’s easier and I don’t loose myself in other thoughts.

“Introverted” has the highest percentage. Indeed, that’s what describes me better.

“Introverts are typically more reserved or reflective”

“Introverts often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, using computers, hiking and fishing”

“An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though he or she may enjoy interactions with close friends”

“Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment”

“Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not necessarily fear social encounters like shy people do” (I am shy as well, so the two things add up)

(Wikipedia)

“Intuitive” gives exactly the idea of what I spend most of my time on.

“Intuitive individuals are imaginative, rely on their intuition, absorbed in ideas, focus on what might happen”.

I’ve always thought about the weirdest things. My imagination is over nine thousand after all.. I spend the whole day thinking and imagining. I feel bad when I don’t have time to do so. Some things do not even make sense to other people but they do to me.

I’m not so sure about “Feeling”.

“Feeling individuals are sensitive, follow their hearts, focus on harmony and cooperation”

Well, I am sensitive and I do follow my heart. But, I’m not really pro cooperation. That mus be the reason why I’m only a 40%.

“Prospecting” is ambiguous as well.

“Prospecting individuals very good at improvising, prefer keeping their options open, relaxed about their work, seek freedom”.

I hate planning things ahead. I’m no good with that. I’ve tried so many times and always failed miserably. I can spend all the day planning, and then I don’t follow my plans because I’m too lazy to do anything.. That’s why I always keep things to the last minute and improvise. At the same time I’m not relaxed about my work at all. I constantly feel under pressure and hate responsability. Therefore I obviously do not seek freedom. Or at least, as Brianne says in the video, not totally. I need someone to tell me exactly what to do (i.e. for work, school) but totally hate being ordered around.

Finally, “Turbolent”.

“Nervous or insecure. Submissive” (reddit)

Exactly. I’m always insecure of everything. I always keep in consideration other people’s thoughts and needs. I submit to them, even if that would mean suffering. I think Brianne explains it perfectly in the video I linked at the beginning.

So, that’s pretty much all about my personality. If you want to take a personality quiz I highly recommend you 16personalities. Together with the percentage, you’ll recieve also a job recommendation (mine is “Diplomat”) and a “strategy”.